christmas is the time when everybody is who they normally are, but more so. -ira glass
raise your hand if you’d like to say an amen to that! that’s the sort of amen i can get behind. i hope you’ve all had a nice week! i’m back in portland after christmas in new england. there was snow, there was food, and reconnection with old friends and people i love. there was a tree strapped to the roof of a rented chevy impala. there was family being who they normally are, but more so… myself included. for better and for worse, we are who we are.
it was a nice trip, but it was hard. i do try to keep my posts around here on the cheery, spunky side, but i’m also into being honest about the nitty gritty challenges that life slings our way. because if we can hold the hard stuff close, and spin it around awhile, and sprinkle fairy dust on top, there are always silver linings, something to learn, something to be grateful for, a center point of balance that comes, in everything. the fairy dust is time, i think, and the dust is settling for me today.
in new hampshire, i spent a lot of hours sitting in my father’s living room, staring at the wood stove, talking and thinking and being with my parents. something i’ve not shared here yet is that my father has dementia. it’s getting worse, or different as it evolves, to weave a brighter cloth. but no matter how i frame it, what’s happening in this process isn’t pretty. dementia isn’t fun for anybody. it makes people angry, and frustrated, and sad, and frightened, and guilty, and resentful, and worried. there are, of course, certain pieces of dark humor to be found, but there are also tears– mostly those. there’s a kind of faith i’m finding, too, as i wade through it all, faith in something i can’t fully explain, but it’s here, and i do feel it. i do.
i’m back in my cozy little house with my animals in my lap. i’m thinking about mortality. i’m thinking about the real nuts and bolts of it. i’m thinking about freedom and independence and loving people for who they are right now, today, and how today is different from yesterday or tomorrow. i’m learning about coaxing, and firmness, and when to do what. and how to do things and make decisions i hoped i’d never need to make. i don’t know how to navigate any of it until i’m there & there isn’t a map. there is asking for help, and there’s help when i ask, thank goodness. but still, these are uncharted waters and i can’t help but feel a little lost at sea. my dad, though, he was an exceptional sailor, and i am his daughter. so.
don’t worry, i’m not all dour and dreary-cakes over here. only like, about halfway dreary. nothing the fairy dust of time won’t cure. i still think life is so, so beautiful… all of it. and, i do have some super cool stories to share about my trip, as well as a very exciting upcoming interview here on the blog! my first interview! with someone who might be my favorite person i’ve never actually met. she’s an artist, and she’s awesome, and that’ll be happening soon, my loves! i can’t wait. you can’t wait either, you just don’t know it yet. i will say, though, a present for someone might be involved. maybe.
i hope you’ve all held up well this last week. if you’re feeling tired, or fragile, or a bit unsettled from the holidaze, you’re not alone. not for a second. and neither am i, i’m sure of it. sending you all so much love and goodness as we ease ourselves toward january second.