sometimes life just gets… pushy or something. maybe you can imagine what i mean. i’m not sure myself, really, what i mean. all i know is, i don’t want to push back. i just want to spend long days tending to this plot of land i call my home and just be here. i want to make friends with those nesting birds (they are bushtits, the sweetest sweetie pies) and speak gentle words with my neighbors. i want to build a little terrace out of stone. i want to dig up a patch of grass and make a new garden instead and plant iris and euphorbia and veronica, if only because i want to say their names.
i realize my posts have been hit or miss. words are mostly in my head these days, or on my lips. cigarettes aren’t on my lips anymore, and i don’t even want them. this is major! i’ve been thinking about my dad a lot lately, about how i’d like for him to go peacefully, without things getting messier (as they are). also, about how i wish he’d live forever. magical thinking. i bought a plane ticket last week to go and visit him in may. i made beef stroganoff last night. don’t you love that stuff? it’s been years since that has crossed my lips. it was delicious and comforting, like childhood, like growing up.